Principle #12: The unhealthy patterns of our personality can be recognized and transformed into a healthy expression of our natural temperament.

Dear Wise Heart — Even though I haven’t reported in, I’ve been reading, meditating, reflecting, and practicing — thanks for your explanations and inspirations. This week, my website was hacked, and after I paused for a total freaking freakmungous freakout over the loss of my pretty site and the affect on my business, I took some deep breaths, said goodbye and let the website go. Releasing attachment. Felt good. And much easier  than I would have thought.

Today I started to read Chapter 12, and here I am to claim my personality type. Deluded. Big Time Deluded.

I’m not sure I would know that if it hadn’t been for my work in group, and oddly enough, last night’s session in particular. Ha. Of course I wouldn’t have known — I’m deluded!  Oddly, that explains a lot for me. It might have been helpful to understand this about myself earlier in my life. (Did everyone know it but me?)  But at least I get it now. And I can work with  it.

Principle #10
Thoughts are often one-sided and untrue. Learn to be mindful of thought instead of being lost in it.

Not only have I made up  stories, I have resigned myself to them.  Resignation is something more than accepting them as true. Resignation doesn’t allow for the  possibility that things could change. Maybe that’s what’s meant by identification. One story in particular is as much a part as of me as my skin. How do you disentangle from  your own skin? I slough off one layer, but underneath there is another layer, and another. Kornfield’s question: “What is your experience if you let these thoughts and beliefs go?” produces anxiety in me. I don’t know the answer to that question. And it’s hard to rest in the “not knowing.”

Principle # 9
Wisdom knows what feelings are present without being lost in them.

I love the acronym RAIN — especially on this very rainy week. Recognition, Acceptance, Investigation and N–I keep forgetting what the N stands for– Non-Identification.  That’s the hardest part for me, and maybe that’s why I can’t even remember its name. I think that true forgiveness probably lies somewhere inside the non-identification. I am not there yet.

I’m learning so much more about recognizing feelings though. I grew up in the kind of home Kornfield  talks about—one where emotions were both volatile and repressed. Most of my life I’ve thought the model I chose was volatility, and then I worked hard to tone down my emotions—to have less of a temper, cry less easily, fall in love less easily. The big surprise of my life is to find that repression is even more operational in me– and that even some of my strong emotional outbursts signify a disconnect from my feelings.

I like what Kornfield says about the difference between feeling and emotion. I am trying to be more aware of what I am feeling before I let that feeling grow into an emotion. Is the feeling pleasant or unpleasant? What are the sensations in my body? Where in my body do I feel them? I need to slow down to connect to what I am feeling. It takes time. But if I don’t slow down, that’s when the emotions take over. I get angry, I feel longing, I am rash.  I can tell you I am angry,  but what I didn’t  know about was that there was a feeling that came before it. Recently in group, I became aware of a strong feeling during a discussion, and my therapist helped me investigate and connect to it. It was a strong feeling deeply rooted in memory without language. I can’t explain much more than that in words.

I feel my heart growing light as I connect with heavy feelings.