I am off pain meds, and I am learning to use crutches. (I have never been a coordinated or graceful person, and my ability to deal with the crutches demonstrates this very well.)

Yesterday I went to the doctor. He prescribed more physical therapy and also a knee brace with a hinge. That means I will be able to bend my knee (as I am able to bend my knee which is not a whole heckuva lot right now) and it also means I will be more comfortable sitting in a chair. They took out the stitches and I can shower now—if I could get upstairs to my shower. But I can’t. Doc also told me 10 to 12 more weeks before I can put full weight on the injured leg. I know without looking at the calendar this means the end of the year.

After the doc, Louise and I went out to lunch. It was my first outing and it felt really good to get out, I felt slow but competent on the crutches. Yayyyy me! Then when we returned to the house, I fell going up the steps to my front door. Fell right on my well-padded butt and scraped up my good leg. I wasn’t hurt really, but it made me realize (as if I didn’t know before) how very dependent I am on help from others. I felt bad for Louise who was more freaked out by the fall than I was.

She is here until the 20th and so I have to decide what happens after she leaves. My sister Judi wants to come and help. The other alternative for me is my sister Terri. She has offered to come stay here again or come and get me and take me to South Carolina for awhile. I think the latter option is probably the only one that makes sense. It’s nonsensical for me to ask her to give up her life in SC for me, although I really believe she would do that. She is amazingly loving and nurturing. (The mom I wish I had had.)

My spirits and practice have been good throughout this, but I am feeling very down now and I am in full out self-pity mode. If (I should say “when”) I go to SC, it’s like I leave my life behind. Alexander is coming for a week at Thanksgiving and I guess I will miss his visit. Sure I can do some business by computer and stay in touch with friends, but it is not the same, and I while I don’t worry about losing my friends, I worry about losing business, the inability to network, about my financial future, and about my sense of self. On the other hand, my life is already “not the same” in many ways. At least at Terri’s house I would be able to take a shower.

Bottom line is, I know everything will work out, that I have mental, physical, and spiritual resilience and the love of family and friends that will get me through, that it is only and injury, not a disease. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

But today I am going to allow myself some time to cry and bitch, ’cause I’m sad.