Thought you might like to know what I’ve been up to. On Sunday 9/19 I fell off a step stool in my kitchen onto a tile floor and fractured my leg—tibial plateau fractures. Hurt like heck, and I couldn’t get up let alone walk. Lynn (from my group) came to my rescue and commandeered strong men off the street where I live and in the hospital to help me into the car and then the wheelchair. Then she stayed with me all day. I am very grateful to her—to say the very least. She has been so very helpful, solid and generous, and I am particularly appreciative knowing she has just had to go through the whole hospital thing with her mother. Not great to be back in this environment, I am sure.

I was admitted to the hospital that evening after being in emergency all afternoon, after x-ray and CAT Scan and lots and lots of waiting. Florida Hospital Orlando has a fracture care unit. (Would you believe?) I am getting excellent, state of the art, care. I am relatively pain free, They really like to push the pain meds here, and I have indulged. When it hurts it really hurts though, and the hardest thing is that I have to ask for help with everything.

Tuesday I had surgery. It was a long day with lots of waiting, but before two procedures, the pain block for my leg and later before the surgery itself, they gave me Versed which relieves anxiety but also makes you forget everything. So I have no memory of going even going into the room for surgery. I woke from the anesthesia, like waking from a sleep, maybe even less grumpy than usual. I felt fine, not sick at all, a little pain in my leg, but I waived off the morphine (which seemed a bit much) and am still taking Percocet which seems to work fine. I have a sleeve over my leg to protect the incisions—there are many incisions including two very mysterious ones down near my ankle—and then a knee immobilizer which is made of fabric wraps around my leg from my upper thigh to my lower calf and closes with velcro similar to sneakers. No hard cast for me. Yay! I only have to wear the fabric brace when I walk.

The other piece of good news is that they first thought there was damage to my kneecap and a quadricep tear, but that turned out not to be true. Big relief on that. The surgeon repaired the fracture with pins and screws. I’ve seen the pictures. Pretty amazing. I’ve had physical therapy. I walk with a walker, and can put 20 pounds of weight on the injured leg (like walking on an egg) so it’s pretty awkward and often painful, but I can get around, and I am sure I will get better at it. The big thing in my house is stairs. Bedrooms and full bath are upstairs. I practiced on the stairs with a crutch with the PT, but it was very scary, so we’ll see.

My sister Terri (a nurse) and her husband came down yesterday. She will leave on Tuesday, but my San Francisco sister, Louise, is coming on Monday to help for three weeks. Lezlie has offered her downstairs bedroom to me, if I want it. But another friend has loaned a bed which I will use downstairs for now. Overall, the calls and good wishes and promises of help have been pouring in. I am really overwhelmed by all the help and support I am getting. (Still surprised by it, too, but accepting it all, and really soaking it in.) There is no way I can do this on my own, so I have to accept help and have to recognize the love that comes with it.

Later this afternoon I am going home. I am afraid of all I have ahead of me, but I also know I have plenty of support. I will tell you too, this is practice big time. Like some big cosmic lesson tailored for me. Practice not getting ahead of myself, letting the story take over, projecting too far in the future. Look, even the medical issue which is bad, didn’t turn out to be as bad as expected.

The other day while waiting for surgery there was a woman next door to me screaming and crying and generally acting out. I could tell that she was afraid. The staff ,talked calmly to her and she still went on and on. I think they finally gave her a sedative. But it made me think. I am afraid, too, but look how she was making herself (and others around her) suffer with the fear.

I don’t think I am burying my fear. I just don’t let it take me over. Same with the pain from the beginning, really and the whole hospital process. I just kept remembering to stay in the moment and go to my breath. Did a lot of going to my breath after the fall when I had to get upstairs to get my phone and during all the waiting in emergency. Was more than four hours between the time I injured myself and when help came. I didn’t panic.

Practice also helpful because I feel vulnerable, not only because of my health, but because of my living situation (alone and stairs), and finances now. I have shed some tears, for sure. But really, I have been able to rest in the moment, to go to my breath, to really see the people who care about me. I am not panicked or fearful, and my blood pressure (high the first day) has evened out back down to normal. This situation is hitting all my big schema buttons, but I am staying in the moment, I am asking for help a lot and am becoming more and more aware of how much people care for me, and how they are there for me. I feel like everything will work out. I’m am going home later today. It’s not going to be easy, but I feel like all the inner work I have done has prepared me to deal with this challenging time with equanimity and I am very grateful for that. Right now they say 3-4 months before full weight-bearing and six months to a year for a total mend. So I know—plenty more practice to come. I feel calm. Not exactly sure if it’s the practice or the Percocet. Perhaps a bit of both.

In any case, right now, I am okay