I had a conversation with a friend the other day about truth-telling. We’ve also been discussing advice-giving in my group. So I had already been pondering  this. In particular I’ve been wrestling with a situation where I have the urge to offer unsolicited advice. I’ve come to some conclusions. As if there are conclusions to come to!  Ha ha. For now, anyway, this will do for me:

1) It’s easier for me to see someone else’s participation in their own suffering than it is for me to recognize my participation in mine.  I should, in all cases, just assume I am deluded.

2) When I see the “truth” about someone else’s situation and feel the urge to advise them or share what I’ve observe I may act—believing that I am trying to help relieve their suffering. But, more honestly, I am acting to relieve my own suffering. Their situation somehow makes me uncomfortable.

3) Rather than act on the urge to tell someone a “truth” about themselves or give them advice, a better idea might be to look at my discomfort as a sign that I need to look inside myself. What is  it is about me and my experience that the other person’s situation stimulates?

4) The more I resist the idea that it’s all about me, not them, the more it is probably all about me. It just seems to work like that. Chances are if I am stirred up enough to feel urgent about “helping” the other with advice or observation, it’s because I have recognized something about myself in them. I live in a glass house, and I have the urge to throw stones.

5) It does no good to hold a mirror up to someone else  if they are not ready to look in the mirror. More importantly, how can I  be sure that the mirror I’m  holding up will show a true picture? I think it’s wise to assume the mirror I want to hold up is just as delusional as I am.

6) I can say from my experience on both side of this truth-telling business that battering often masquerades as truth-telling, and blindness often masquerades as awareness.

7) I’d like to help my loved ones by getting better at active listening rather than trying to give advice or tell about my own experience. I’d also like to be a better model for the principles I believe in. Show, don’t tell, Mary Ann.